Postnatal Anxiety, OCD & the Silent Struggle of New Motherhood

I was 32 when I became a mum for the first time, and I wish I could tell you that I floated into motherhood on a cloud of oxytocin and bliss. But the truth is, I didn’t.

The first two weeks of my son’s life were filled with love, yes—but also sheer terror.

I couldn’t sleep. Not even with a breathing monitor under him, a sound monitor, a camera watching over him, and me watching over all of it. Even with all of those safeguards in place, I lay awake every night gripped by the same, awful thought: If I fall asleep, something terrible will happen.

The intrusive thoughts were relentless. I was terrified I’d accidentally drop him down the stairs. I was convinced someone was watching us. I imagined a stranger breaking into our home to take him. It felt like my mind was being hijacked. And the guilt that came with it? Overwhelming. I didn’t understand what was happening. All I knew was that I was supposed to feel grateful and happy—and instead, I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. The photo below is me, right in the thick of this bewildering new reality. 

Looking back now, I realise I was experiencing postnatal anxiety, and possibly perinatal OCD—a form of anxiety that shows up during or after pregnancy. It doesn’t always look like what we think mental illness should look like. Sometimes, it looks like a mother who can’t stop checking, who never rests, who’s desperately trying to keep her baby safe.

Perinatal OCD isn’t talked about enough. People hear “OCD” and think of cleanliness or counting rituals. But in mothers, it often shows up as disturbing, unwanted thoughts about harm coming to their baby—thoughts that feel so out of character they leave you gasping with shame. These thoughts don’t mean you’re a bad mum. In fact, they often mean the opposite: that you care so much, your brain is doing somersaults trying to prepare for every possible danger, no matter how far-fetched.

For me, the anxiety may have been triggered by my long journey to get pregnant. It took over two years, and I had a miscarriage before finally carrying to term. My brain was on high alert, constantly scanning for anything that could go wrong. Because things had gone wrong before. I didn’t trust the world to let me keep something so precious.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, please hear me when I say: You are not broken. You are not a bad mum. You are not alone.

So many new mums go through this in silence, terrified to say the words out loud. But there is help. There is support. And most importantly—there is nothing wrong with you. Your brain is just trying to protect the thing you love most in the world.

Talk to someone. A friend, a partner, a GP, a mental health charity—anyone you trust. The more we speak about postpartum mental health, the more we chip away at the shame that keeps so many of us suffering quietly.

You’re doing better than you think, mama. I promise. 💕

If you're struggling with any of what I’ve described—or if something just doesn’t feel right—please reach out. You're not alone, and there are brilliant organisations ready to support you:

• PANDAS Foundation – Offering support and information for anyone experiencing perinatal mental health issues, including a free helpline.

• Mind UK – A trusted mental health charity with advice on postpartum anxiety, depression, and OCD.

• Tommy’s – Support for those who’ve experienced pregnancy loss and are navigating the emotional impact.

It’s okay to ask for help. And you deserve that help—not just because you’re a mum, but because you’re you.