Becoming a mum is supposed to feel magical.
At least, that’s what we’re often shown.

The cuddles.
The sleepy newborn photos.
The overwhelming love.

What people don’t talk about enough is the fear.

Not just the normal worries that come with becoming a parent — but the kind of fear that creeps into your mind and makes you question yourself completely.

After having my children, I started experiencing intrusive thoughts.

They were unwanted, distressing thoughts that appeared suddenly and made me feel frightened and ashamed. The kind of thoughts that make you instantly think:

“Why would my brain even think that?”

I remember desperately trying to work out what was happening to me, but feeling too scared to say the thoughts out loud. Even typing them into Google felt terrifying.

Because what if someone thought I meant them?
What if it meant I was dangerous?
What if I was a terrible mum?

So instead, I searched safer things. Things that danced around the real fear without fully saying it.

Things like:

• “Why do I feel scared all the time after having a baby?”
• “Why won’t my brain switch off after childbirth?”
• “Why do I keep thinking something bad will happen to my baby?”
• “Is it normal to have upsetting thoughts after giving birth?”
• “Postnatal anxiety symptoms”
• “Why am I panicking about my baby constantly?”
• “Do other mums get horrible thoughts?”
• “Why do I feel mentally overwhelmed after becoming a mum?”

I also went to see my GP and I felt safe enough to explain (through sobs) exactly how I'd been feeling. And slowly, through all those careful searches, I discovered something that changed everything for me:

Intrusive thoughts are actually very common in postpartum mental health conditions like OCD and anxiety.

That discovery mattered because until then, I genuinely believed the thoughts themselves said something awful about me as a person.

But intrusive thoughts are not intentions.
They are not secret desires.
They are not predictions.

In fact, they’re often the exact opposite.

The thoughts tend to attack the things we care about most. That’s why new mums can feel so distressed by them. Your brain becomes hyper-alert, hyper-responsible and constantly focused on keeping your baby safe.

It’s exhausting.

And one of the cruelest parts is how isolating it can feel when everyone around you seems to be coping beautifully.

You smile for photos.
You carry on.
You tell everyone you’re “just tired.”

Meanwhile, your nervous system feels like it’s permanently stuck in survival mode. I described it as a feeling like my internal safety sensor was stuck on 'Max', making me feel like every inch of my body was permanently tense. 

I think more honest conversations about postnatal mental health are desperately needed because so many mothers are silently carrying fear, guilt and shame while believing they’re the only one.

They’re not.

And if you’re reading this after nervously searching something similar online at 2am while feeding a baby or lying awake worrying — I want you to know this:

You are not alone.
You are not “crazy.”
And having intrusive thoughts does not make you a bad mum.

Sometimes the bravest thing a person can do is quietly search for help. Here is an article I wrote last year about Maternal Mental Health.